Couples Counseling for Courageous Lovers
Multicultural Sensitive, LGBTQ+ friendly, Trauma-effective,
Poly Friendly, Sex Positive, Kink Positive, Neurodiversity Honoring
In-person in Oakland/Berkeley and Online
Modern love is complicated.
You and your partner come from different worlds.
You built something special together but it’s hard for you to talk about hard things.
Neither of you feel fully supported and you quickly trigger each other.
Along with the differences in your sex drive, expectations on money, time, parenting, and open relationships.
You feel so stuck and alone even though you are in a relationship. It’s just exhausting. And sad.
You didn’t picture this for your relationship and a deep down part of you knows that this is not how it’s supposed to be.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
I offer counseling for courageous lovers just like you.
I want to help you to have your relationship back on track.
Imagine instead of having arguments, you have real conversations on what’s important to both of you.
You don’t yelling at each other anymore. You feel safe to share what’s on your heart and wow, you just heard your partner appreciating you for initiating a difficult topic.
Not only that, but now you guys are practicing gratitude every night before bed and you feel excited to flirt and be intimate with each other .
You guys still have different needs, valuesand habits, but you're handling differences with more ease because you know how to communicate and you know what to prioritize.
Couples Counseling that Connects
Trauma-effective
Skills-focused
Experiential
Intimacy from Inside Out & Internal Family System
guiding couples have more Clarity in who you are & what you need;
more Resource in your tool-kit;
and more Eros in your connection
Oh hi there, I am Xuel.
I love helping couples and I am dedicated to making couples counseling a healing experience.
I have a Masters in Integral Counseling Psychology and I am trained in Internal Family System and Intimacy from Inside Out couples counseling. With a Scorpio sun and Sagittarius rising, I bring ease and lightness into difficult topics.
I am a expert at translating and bridging for couples of different backgrounds as a bilingual immigrant with an ex-software-engineer left brain and a neurodivergent, hella-intuitive right brain. I have also done my fair share of learning and loving in multiracial, cross-cultural, queer, age-gap, open, unconventional relationships (thanks to Bay Area)!
My vibe as a couples therapist is:
(compassionate mom friend for your inner children) +
(Chinese-style pragmatic intervention & facilitation) +
(mischievous magician that channels Curiosity, Fun and Passion)
I specialize in
supporting clients who are multicultural, interracial, queer, neurodivergent, who are exploring non-monogamy/non-tradtional relationship structures, and/or who are exploring their sexuality
working with childhood relational wounding and codependency issues
working with difficult topics such as finances, racial issues, sexual differences, political differences, and/or family issues
incorporating somatic explorations to help my clients heal and learn through embodiment
providing effective and direct feedback as well as in-session skills-building practices (did I say skills-building for the 3rd time on this page here? I am committed for you to get what you need so you no longer have to be in couples counseling)
To turn your relationship around we focus on…
Identifying Patterns and Signals
so that you can discover when you become activated, what the sign looks like and feels like and slow down to react differently
Skills-building
practice news way of communication and connection in-session, see how it feels like in your body instead of forcing things with the mind
Repair & Cocreate
address beliefs and fears based on past relational wounding and discuss new conscious relationship contracts that serve you and your partner
Using Counseling Methods that actually work:
tested by my personal experience + testimonies of clients like you
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Intimacy From the Inside Out (IFIO) is a HIGHLY EFFECTIVE couples therapy method built on the foundational principles of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy developed by Dr. Richard C. Schwartz. It is an experiential model that focuses on helping each member building emotional regulation and communication skills to stay in connection. It is also effective in in resolving pain related to past trauma in couples. This model includes aspects of psychodynamic theory, systems thinking and neuroscience. I am both IFS and IFIO trained.
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For folks with marginalized identities, neurodivergence, or a complicated childhood, trust in relationships does not come easily. Personal histories and trauma have trained us to protect ourselves and resist taking risks in people, which often lead to over-reactive patterns that do not serve our connections. I found that working with these kind of personal histories and trauma is often ignored in many Couples Counseling modalities but could be the very thing that blocks couples from feeling a baseline of emotional safety and an easy exchange of trust.
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Intimacy isn't just about words, but also about body language, touch, sensations, and desire. However most of us are not equipped with knowledge and ease in being comfortable in our own skin. I can help you listen to your body’s signals and discover what your essential needs, desires and boundaries are and take steps towards deeper levels of intimacy in your relationships
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I found that sometimes for couples in crisis, doing Intensive Sessions can greatly accelerate the healing and learning process. As an intutive and solution-oriented therapist, I work with you to come up with an individualized therapy plan to fit your particular needs and therapeutic goals.
How could working with me help you?
For yourself
make sense and release your relational pain
learn to manage reactive emotions and stay calm and loving in conflicts
stop abandoning yourself to prioritize others' expectations
become clear and communicate your needs and desires effectively and gracefully
address codependent and avoidant tendencies
manage familial conflicts with your gender identity and/or sexual orientation
For your relationship
stop having the same argument(s) over and over again
have confidence that you can talk about anything without fighting
discover a deeper level of emotional intimacy
ability to collaborate and overcome life crisis together
learn to communicate difficult feelings and rely on more resources for support
recover from an infidelity or breach of trust
cocreate relationship or parenting plans that work for you
I help Multicultural Couples
understand your differences and bridge the gap between your communication so that you can navigate expectations, collaborate on life choices and express and receive love with ease
I help Neurodivergent Couples
understand and manage the impact of neurodivergent traits in your relationship with practical tools so that you can better attune and support yourself and the other
I help Non-monogamous Couples
become clear with your essential needs, fears, desires and boundaries and learn to engage in relationship agreements and consensual connections from a grounded place
What does our Couples Counseling session look like?
You can expect me to hold you both with respect and heart.
We first collaborate on getting clear on your intentions and goals for our work. Then as we identify and reconcile deep-seated individual and relational patterns, we might feel tender as we encounter the more vulnerable parts of you and help them to express what they’ve always wanted to express. We make sure that we hold space for each of the partners in their processes. You might be surprised to find how different and how similar you are underneath everything.
Our sessions involves experiential exercises so that you practice new ways of relating. This might include sharing understandings, feelings and desires, or connecting through body languages and touch.
You come away from each session learning so much more about yourself and the other, with more trust and intimacy between you.
